Friday, April 21, 2006
Time is of essence
Time is of essence
Piggy just came back on Wed evening, but since then I haven't had a single meal together with him and tomorrow he is flying back. Feel kinda sad that things are this way. Guess I need to be understanding cuz I know he is really occupied with his work but I m beginning to feel that whether he is in Spore or overseas makes no difference to me anymore. Both of us are like leading our own separate lives and I think that's really sad, considering that we are newly married and not some old couple who has been married for donkey years.
E was just telling me yesterday that she used to feel very angry when her bf worked and worked and didn't set aside time for her. She said it's one thing to be very busy with work and another to make that conscious effort to set aside time for your partner. And it's not just time infront of the TV, but really quality time together, like going out alone together for a meal, a movie or just to do something together. And I totally agreed with her but sometimes I feel very helpless. I feel as if I dun have much say in all this. E said I should express my opinions to Piggy but the thing is I hardly have a good chance to really have a good talk with him. Sometimes I feel that his job is probably more important to him than I am. I feel that nowadays, he is more driven by money than anything else and that's kinda sad to me, cuz money can't buy alot of things in the world. No doubt it's important but it should never be above everything else. Cuz at the end of the day, so what if you live in the biggest house, drive the biggest car and have more money than anyone could dream of? Would that make you really happy? I feel that even if it does, it would only be for a fleeting moment. Cuz if you dun have other things to hold dear to, then it's kinda pointless.
So I m not sure if I really want to go over on Mon or perhaps wait till later. Cuz he will be flying to Taiwan on Wed anyway and I will be stuck with Apple for a week. Not that it's that bad, just that I dun want to be accompanying her to the casino everyday or be in her room, taking in 2nd-hand smoke all the time. Think I will just concentrate on my story books and cross-stitch when I m there. Honestly, I dun really feel that Piggy working over in Vietnam is going to give us a better life. It's not like his salary can cover what I m earning in Spore. Not that my pay here is fantastic, but at least it's decent enough to meet my needs, like paying my bills, giving my parents some, etc. I really dunno how I m going to cope financially over the next few months. I m already drawing on my savings to pay for the honeymoon, and some of the other wedding expenses which were incurred earlier, but the bills only came now. At least when I m working, I felt that I have enough to make ends meet. But without a job, I just feel kinda insecure. Dunno why, maybe I have been too used to working in the past.
Then I think about whether we can really save so much based on his single income instead of a double income. And money aside, the extra hours he has to put in at work, is it all well worth the extra money? Then I asked Piggy that day what would happen if I m pregnant? Are you going to give up your job to come back with me to Spore? He couldn't give me a definitive answer, which makes me kind of sad. Cuz like E & Poodie said, this is something impt and it concerns both of us. Having a baby is not just one person's business. I think times now are different from the past when the woman is only expected to give birth and do housework. Maybe Piggy just wants to take things one step at a time but I feel I need a more definite answer like "If yes, what will we do?" and "If no, what will we do?" There has to be a backup plan for both options. Cuz after all I gave up my job temporarily just so that we could live together for a while. To me, it's a sacrifice, it's not just so easy like just quitting and saying goodbye. There are issues I have to cope with, changes I have to adapt to and sometimes I wish he could be more understanding towards my needs. I m not like Apple, although she said she gave up everything to stay with his brother in Vietnam, but what exactly did she give up? She didn't study much to begin with and her job probably didn't earn her that much as well. And now, she does almost nothing everyday except go to the casino whenever she is bored and she probably gets a handsome allowance each month. Isn't that in comparison a better life for her? But seeing her this way makes me scared cuz I dun want to end up like that...Then I am also worried that my mind will waste away if I stay there and do nothing for too long, but I m determined to read and keep my brain working everyday.
E was just telling me yesterday that she used to feel very angry when her bf worked and worked and didn't set aside time for her. She said it's one thing to be very busy with work and another to make that conscious effort to set aside time for your partner. And it's not just time infront of the TV, but really quality time together, like going out alone together for a meal, a movie or just to do something together. And I totally agreed with her but sometimes I feel very helpless. I feel as if I dun have much say in all this. E said I should express my opinions to Piggy but the thing is I hardly have a good chance to really have a good talk with him. Sometimes I feel that his job is probably more important to him than I am. I feel that nowadays, he is more driven by money than anything else and that's kinda sad to me, cuz money can't buy alot of things in the world. No doubt it's important but it should never be above everything else. Cuz at the end of the day, so what if you live in the biggest house, drive the biggest car and have more money than anyone could dream of? Would that make you really happy? I feel that even if it does, it would only be for a fleeting moment. Cuz if you dun have other things to hold dear to, then it's kinda pointless.
So I m not sure if I really want to go over on Mon or perhaps wait till later. Cuz he will be flying to Taiwan on Wed anyway and I will be stuck with Apple for a week. Not that it's that bad, just that I dun want to be accompanying her to the casino everyday or be in her room, taking in 2nd-hand smoke all the time. Think I will just concentrate on my story books and cross-stitch when I m there. Honestly, I dun really feel that Piggy working over in Vietnam is going to give us a better life. It's not like his salary can cover what I m earning in Spore. Not that my pay here is fantastic, but at least it's decent enough to meet my needs, like paying my bills, giving my parents some, etc. I really dunno how I m going to cope financially over the next few months. I m already drawing on my savings to pay for the honeymoon, and some of the other wedding expenses which were incurred earlier, but the bills only came now. At least when I m working, I felt that I have enough to make ends meet. But without a job, I just feel kinda insecure. Dunno why, maybe I have been too used to working in the past.
Then I think about whether we can really save so much based on his single income instead of a double income. And money aside, the extra hours he has to put in at work, is it all well worth the extra money? Then I asked Piggy that day what would happen if I m pregnant? Are you going to give up your job to come back with me to Spore? He couldn't give me a definitive answer, which makes me kind of sad. Cuz like E & Poodie said, this is something impt and it concerns both of us. Having a baby is not just one person's business. I think times now are different from the past when the woman is only expected to give birth and do housework. Maybe Piggy just wants to take things one step at a time but I feel I need a more definite answer like "If yes, what will we do?" and "If no, what will we do?" There has to be a backup plan for both options. Cuz after all I gave up my job temporarily just so that we could live together for a while. To me, it's a sacrifice, it's not just so easy like just quitting and saying goodbye. There are issues I have to cope with, changes I have to adapt to and sometimes I wish he could be more understanding towards my needs. I m not like Apple, although she said she gave up everything to stay with his brother in Vietnam, but what exactly did she give up? She didn't study much to begin with and her job probably didn't earn her that much as well. And now, she does almost nothing everyday except go to the casino whenever she is bored and she probably gets a handsome allowance each month. Isn't that in comparison a better life for her? But seeing her this way makes me scared cuz I dun want to end up like that...Then I am also worried that my mind will waste away if I stay there and do nothing for too long, but I m determined to read and keep my brain working everyday.
Kimmie scribbles
2:39 pm |
Monday, April 17, 2006
Just felt like adding on..
Perhaps I haven't written for too long a time, just felt like writing more.. really felt quite upset today, think maybe partly PMS too..was really upset during lunch, was glad that Poodie was with me. I really appreciate Poodie's friendship. Though we are very different people and sometimes we do disagree on things, but I m glad to say that she understands me and would never fail to lend a listening ear when I m down.
Anyway, I hope his week passes really fast..
I m looking forward to the potluck at NS's house this Fri..hope we will all have a great time! I always look forward to meeting up with them..cuz it's always so nice recollecting the old times and simply enjoying ourselves together..I want to see NS's house too..it's so interesting to look at peoples's houses, especially at this stage, when many of my friends are buying and doing up their flats..feeling all excited and happy..just like when HS tells me about her house and how they go around looking for stuff for the house..I almost wish I am at this stage of life too..having our own little love nest..
Anyway, I hope his week passes really fast..
I m looking forward to the potluck at NS's house this Fri..hope we will all have a great time! I always look forward to meeting up with them..cuz it's always so nice recollecting the old times and simply enjoying ourselves together..I want to see NS's house too..it's so interesting to look at peoples's houses, especially at this stage, when many of my friends are buying and doing up their flats..feeling all excited and happy..just like when HS tells me about her house and how they go around looking for stuff for the house..I almost wish I am at this stage of life too..having our own little love nest..
Kimmie scribbles
10:16 pm |
Blue Monday
Feeling kinda upset today..for a few reasons..
Firstly, work. My last day at work is this coming Thursday, yet I feel as though my work is neverending. I have yet to finish 3 papers. And this is on top of several other admin things which I have yet to do. It was only 1 paper actually cuz I actually already wrote 2, but my "gei kiang" boss changed his mind and very kindly decided that the assessment period of the 2 papers be stretched over a longer period for the benefit of the people involved. But that means that poor me have to recompute everything and reassess everything based on the new computations. And it's not like the computations were simple. It was pretty tedious and he only told me last Thur just before I knocked off. So obviously I left it till today, Fri being a public holiday. And because there was this stupid meeting which I had to attend this morning, I felt doubly irritated. Irritated that at a time like this when I should be handing over work, I m still rushing to wrap up everything before I leave. And it's not like I have been dilly dallying since I informed them that I was going on no-pay leave. In fact, I have tried my best to do whatever I could before I leave. But the moment I announced it to my boss, I felt that he not only did not lighten my workload but gave me more tasks, making me super angry. It was as if he was trying to "squeeze me dry". Or is it that my role is so indispensible? (with tinge of sacarcism) ...that he had to try to persuade me not to take unpaid leave. When I told him that I may come back in a couple of months, he said it was only a couple of months, I might as well just bear with it and stay on. Yeah right man, stay behind and do all the shit in May and July when my performance bonus is the same as MD? How much motivation can a person get in a place like this when you get all the shit and none of the "glory"? And it's not like I m looking for plenty of "glory" like promotion or anything. But getting the same grade as MD just makes me feel that it's no point working faster and getting more work dumped on you, such that even on your last day at work, you are still struggling with a ridiculous amount of work.
The more I think about it, the angrier I get. It's been a few weeks that I felt this way tho at times, the feeling would get subtler. And I've been wanting to blog about how I feel but just never got down to it, cuz sometimes you get so pissed that you just dun have the mood to do so. Was quite pissed with my boss on a few occasions... example of one occasion as follows:
As some of my friends know, there is this major event coming up in Jul which I am supposed to organise but because I m gng on unpaid leave, this naturally has to be passed on to someone else to follow up. And of course naturally, it means that I should stop getting myself involved in the preparation (actually I haven't really started on it at that point in time).. but the sickening thing was that my boss kept directing emails to me regarding the event, with copy to the person who is supposed to take over from me (let's call him K)..and that was not enough, he had to talk to me upteemth time about organising the entertainment segment of the event. So very naturally, I was quite pissed. But I kept my cool and very calmly forwarded his email to K with copy to him and told K how to follow up on his instructions. Quite fortunately however, my boss sensed the unhappiness in that email and spoke to me about it. He asked "You are unhappy that I sent you that email?" and I said "of course, it's only natural that I should hand over things to K, nothing wrong with that". And anyway, that event is not going to go into my performance appraisal if I should come back at the end of the year. Furthermore, K already has nothing to do, so why not let him do something?
Anyway, work is tiring me out, felt really tired today. Felt that I was rushing through the day to try to finish as much as I can, like a race against time! I m actually only left with 2 days, to be exact, cuz on thur, we have a meeting in the morning, which I feel I needn't be involved in but I m sure my boss would pull me in, and in the afternoon, I m supposed to accompany K to this event at Sentosa, which I told my boss I wasn't interested in. But he insisted so I had no choice. So sickening! Imagine on my last day of work, I still have to do such things. And when I expressed that I may not be able to finish all the papers, my boss had the cheek to ask me to come back during my leave to finish up. Although he offered me "off in lieu" when I come back at the end of the year, but how do I know if he would still be around to fulfil that promise at that time? Ok, let's not be so calculative here. But I m just so pissed that he is making me go for that stupid event this thur when the time could be better spent on the papers, which he wanted me to sacrifice my leave for!!!
Second thing that is bothering me is about Piggy's job. As some of my friends know, Piggy actually had the intention of coming back to Spore for good after the peak period in Jul this year, cuz he doesn't like the place nor the work very much. I share the same sentiments tho I have not been working nor living there the past 1 yr. Cuz Vietnam is not exactly a fantastic place to be in. The water's not clean, the place is boring and everyone speaks Vietnamese! Furthermore, his working hours are ridiculous! Imagine working 7 days a week, 12 hrs a day. That's his worklife basically. Can't imgaine having a family or even getting pregnant there. I think the medical facilities there probably suck and with such ridiculous work hours, even if we have a kid there, our poor kid would probably not get to see his father very much. And so many a times, I question the vialibility of him working there. Is it really going to work out in the long run? Choosing money over family life, I would choose family life. Many couples in Spore lead normal lives and have normal jobs, I dun see anything wrong with that. I would like to live comfortably, but it needn't be a luxurious lifestyle. And the problem now is that my in laws think I should encourage my hubby to stay there when I never liked the idea of him working there. And furthermore, we are newly-weds. I m increasingly tired of the fact that he is always not around, to keep me company, to spend time with me or to talk to me. Yeah, there is always the phone. But you dun get to talk long and the ridiculous amount of money I m paying each month for overseas calls is totally crazy. And sometimes, I feel that if he never went overseas to work, this wouldn't be the case. He would also be able to drive his precious car which he always asks about and be able to play his PS2 which he often misses. And I m also sick and tired of pple asking me when I m gng to join my hubby because I really dunno. And people telling me that "it's not good for newly-weds to be separated for too long" really pisses me off sometimes, cuz it's not like I can help it! If I could help it, I wouldn't want us to be separated for so long. Sometimes I really feel kinda cheated into this whole thing. Our original plan was that I would join him at the end of last yr, but it never materialised. And now past our wedding, I m still here. And now my FIL is telling me that it's good for us to stay there for the next 5 yrs. 5 yrs was never in our plan, at most it was 2-3 yrs and even that, I found long. As much grievances as I have about my job, I somehow dun feel very good about giving up my job here totally, cuz it's stable, family-oriented and certainly something I could hold on to when we have kids cuz the hours are regular and the benefits and bonus decent. Yeah, of course, it probably isn't overwhelming but I never did yearn for income like that. Cuz I believe the important thing is to be happy and I think Piggy is not really happy with his job there.
And of course, another alternative is for me to stay here while he works there and we fly to meet each other as often as we can, which would probably end up being once every one to two months. But then if that is the arrangement, we might as well not have gotten married. What's the point of being married and staying apart in different lands? It would be even harder if I am to get pregnant. Perhaps, it really isn't such a wise time to get pregnant until piggy is ready to come back. Cuz I can imagine spending my 9 months in Singapore while Piggy works overseas. What kind of support would I get from my husband then? And laura was telling me that it's really important to have your husband's support and encouragement when you are pregnant. Anyway, I dun want to just be a child-bearing machine cuz I m an educated person. I have spent a large part of my life studying and I m not about to waste my life away. Anyway, if I were to wait 5 yrs, I would be too old to have a kid, not to talk about kids..
And so many a times. I m really envious of my married friends, who lead normal lives and have normal jobs. Yeah, they complain about not having enough money occasionally, having to pay for this and that, but sometimes I feel it's such things that bind a couple together, having to go through thick and thin together. If you were to have things all together, you would never really appreciate the simple pleasures of life. Joys like building your own home from scratch, thinking of ideas together..simple joys like this. And it needn't always be exorbitant.
Firstly, work. My last day at work is this coming Thursday, yet I feel as though my work is neverending. I have yet to finish 3 papers. And this is on top of several other admin things which I have yet to do. It was only 1 paper actually cuz I actually already wrote 2, but my "gei kiang" boss changed his mind and very kindly decided that the assessment period of the 2 papers be stretched over a longer period for the benefit of the people involved. But that means that poor me have to recompute everything and reassess everything based on the new computations. And it's not like the computations were simple. It was pretty tedious and he only told me last Thur just before I knocked off. So obviously I left it till today, Fri being a public holiday. And because there was this stupid meeting which I had to attend this morning, I felt doubly irritated. Irritated that at a time like this when I should be handing over work, I m still rushing to wrap up everything before I leave. And it's not like I have been dilly dallying since I informed them that I was going on no-pay leave. In fact, I have tried my best to do whatever I could before I leave. But the moment I announced it to my boss, I felt that he not only did not lighten my workload but gave me more tasks, making me super angry. It was as if he was trying to "squeeze me dry". Or is it that my role is so indispensible? (with tinge of sacarcism) ...that he had to try to persuade me not to take unpaid leave. When I told him that I may come back in a couple of months, he said it was only a couple of months, I might as well just bear with it and stay on. Yeah right man, stay behind and do all the shit in May and July when my performance bonus is the same as MD? How much motivation can a person get in a place like this when you get all the shit and none of the "glory"? And it's not like I m looking for plenty of "glory" like promotion or anything. But getting the same grade as MD just makes me feel that it's no point working faster and getting more work dumped on you, such that even on your last day at work, you are still struggling with a ridiculous amount of work.
The more I think about it, the angrier I get. It's been a few weeks that I felt this way tho at times, the feeling would get subtler. And I've been wanting to blog about how I feel but just never got down to it, cuz sometimes you get so pissed that you just dun have the mood to do so. Was quite pissed with my boss on a few occasions... example of one occasion as follows:
As some of my friends know, there is this major event coming up in Jul which I am supposed to organise but because I m gng on unpaid leave, this naturally has to be passed on to someone else to follow up. And of course naturally, it means that I should stop getting myself involved in the preparation (actually I haven't really started on it at that point in time).. but the sickening thing was that my boss kept directing emails to me regarding the event, with copy to the person who is supposed to take over from me (let's call him K)..and that was not enough, he had to talk to me upteemth time about organising the entertainment segment of the event. So very naturally, I was quite pissed. But I kept my cool and very calmly forwarded his email to K with copy to him and told K how to follow up on his instructions. Quite fortunately however, my boss sensed the unhappiness in that email and spoke to me about it. He asked "You are unhappy that I sent you that email?" and I said "of course, it's only natural that I should hand over things to K, nothing wrong with that". And anyway, that event is not going to go into my performance appraisal if I should come back at the end of the year. Furthermore, K already has nothing to do, so why not let him do something?
Anyway, work is tiring me out, felt really tired today. Felt that I was rushing through the day to try to finish as much as I can, like a race against time! I m actually only left with 2 days, to be exact, cuz on thur, we have a meeting in the morning, which I feel I needn't be involved in but I m sure my boss would pull me in, and in the afternoon, I m supposed to accompany K to this event at Sentosa, which I told my boss I wasn't interested in. But he insisted so I had no choice. So sickening! Imagine on my last day of work, I still have to do such things. And when I expressed that I may not be able to finish all the papers, my boss had the cheek to ask me to come back during my leave to finish up. Although he offered me "off in lieu" when I come back at the end of the year, but how do I know if he would still be around to fulfil that promise at that time? Ok, let's not be so calculative here. But I m just so pissed that he is making me go for that stupid event this thur when the time could be better spent on the papers, which he wanted me to sacrifice my leave for!!!
Second thing that is bothering me is about Piggy's job. As some of my friends know, Piggy actually had the intention of coming back to Spore for good after the peak period in Jul this year, cuz he doesn't like the place nor the work very much. I share the same sentiments tho I have not been working nor living there the past 1 yr. Cuz Vietnam is not exactly a fantastic place to be in. The water's not clean, the place is boring and everyone speaks Vietnamese! Furthermore, his working hours are ridiculous! Imagine working 7 days a week, 12 hrs a day. That's his worklife basically. Can't imgaine having a family or even getting pregnant there. I think the medical facilities there probably suck and with such ridiculous work hours, even if we have a kid there, our poor kid would probably not get to see his father very much. And so many a times, I question the vialibility of him working there. Is it really going to work out in the long run? Choosing money over family life, I would choose family life. Many couples in Spore lead normal lives and have normal jobs, I dun see anything wrong with that. I would like to live comfortably, but it needn't be a luxurious lifestyle. And the problem now is that my in laws think I should encourage my hubby to stay there when I never liked the idea of him working there. And furthermore, we are newly-weds. I m increasingly tired of the fact that he is always not around, to keep me company, to spend time with me or to talk to me. Yeah, there is always the phone. But you dun get to talk long and the ridiculous amount of money I m paying each month for overseas calls is totally crazy. And sometimes, I feel that if he never went overseas to work, this wouldn't be the case. He would also be able to drive his precious car which he always asks about and be able to play his PS2 which he often misses. And I m also sick and tired of pple asking me when I m gng to join my hubby because I really dunno. And people telling me that "it's not good for newly-weds to be separated for too long" really pisses me off sometimes, cuz it's not like I can help it! If I could help it, I wouldn't want us to be separated for so long. Sometimes I really feel kinda cheated into this whole thing. Our original plan was that I would join him at the end of last yr, but it never materialised. And now past our wedding, I m still here. And now my FIL is telling me that it's good for us to stay there for the next 5 yrs. 5 yrs was never in our plan, at most it was 2-3 yrs and even that, I found long. As much grievances as I have about my job, I somehow dun feel very good about giving up my job here totally, cuz it's stable, family-oriented and certainly something I could hold on to when we have kids cuz the hours are regular and the benefits and bonus decent. Yeah, of course, it probably isn't overwhelming but I never did yearn for income like that. Cuz I believe the important thing is to be happy and I think Piggy is not really happy with his job there.
And of course, another alternative is for me to stay here while he works there and we fly to meet each other as often as we can, which would probably end up being once every one to two months. But then if that is the arrangement, we might as well not have gotten married. What's the point of being married and staying apart in different lands? It would be even harder if I am to get pregnant. Perhaps, it really isn't such a wise time to get pregnant until piggy is ready to come back. Cuz I can imagine spending my 9 months in Singapore while Piggy works overseas. What kind of support would I get from my husband then? And laura was telling me that it's really important to have your husband's support and encouragement when you are pregnant. Anyway, I dun want to just be a child-bearing machine cuz I m an educated person. I have spent a large part of my life studying and I m not about to waste my life away. Anyway, if I were to wait 5 yrs, I would be too old to have a kid, not to talk about kids..
And so many a times. I m really envious of my married friends, who lead normal lives and have normal jobs. Yeah, they complain about not having enough money occasionally, having to pay for this and that, but sometimes I feel it's such things that bind a couple together, having to go through thick and thin together. If you were to have things all together, you would never really appreciate the simple pleasures of life. Joys like building your own home from scratch, thinking of ideas together..simple joys like this. And it needn't always be exorbitant.
Kimmie scribbles
8:46 pm |